Sicker than a…

Wow, first great weekend here in MN and what am I doing? I am sitting on my couch watching Netflix with toilet paper stuck up my nose. Why you ask?

Cause I am sick! I know, I know, you’re thinking why is she complaining? Well, cause I never get sick, like maybe once a year, so when I do I feel miserable. But I cant take time off work, I just tend to miss the fun part of the weekend. No BBQ, birthday party or Mothers Day celebration for this girl.

The hubby has been gone all day, since I got home from work. Two parties for him to go to, but not me, cause I am sick and I don’t want to get other peoples children sick, that would be just rude. But I am also bored, I can only watch so much Netflix before I need a break. I don’t know how my hubby can binge watch so much. I wanna claw my eyes out and I have only been watching since 3:30pm, stopped about an hour ago with multiple mini-breaks in between.

I hate being sick, I wanna go out an visit people. I haven’t seen my own mother in what seems forever. Not that I could see her if I was healthy, she has strep and an ear infection!

Okay, okay I am done ranting! I am gonna go take an anti-histamine and pass out, hopefully not at the same time. Wish me luck!



The worst part about…

The worst part about…what? everyday I wonder what the hell I am doing, do I love my job, no, but I do enjoy it. Most of the times my job consists of breathing in and out and reminding myself I would not like prison. There are days I wonder if I was supposed to do something different with my life. What was it that was planned for me, if anything?

I have been trying to put my degree to good use for a couple years now, but to very little advancement and very little monetary gain. As the pay in social services is deplorable. There is very little reward to my job, most days I feel like a glorified babysitter. There are many days when I ask myself if this is what I want to be doing everyday for the rest of my life…and I think “oh, hell no!!” I dread going to work most days, and am in constant fear that something I said will be taken out of context or misconstrued. Most days I get frustrated lately because I am not being heard, whether by a client or staff. Most of the time it is by a client, they either talk over me, ignore me, or plain just don’t care what I have to say. I should just shut up and let them make their own mistakes. However on the other hand, the rest of my clients will suffer because one client does not want to listen. It aggravates me so much.

I often wonder what else I can do with my life. I want to be something I am just not sure what. Should I just go back to school and get my Master’s, but in what? I have no idea what I could be interested in. i thought I was interested in Criminal Justice and as such got my degree in it. But turns out, a CJ BA is bullshit, and not very useful.

I have always wanted to write, write what, I have no idea, but I want to write. I always have, I just have no idea what to write about. I have no stories or voices running round in my head. No ideas. I just love to write, I wish I could be a writer. I know everyone would probably say write about anything or write what you know. But, I know retail and dealing with teenage boys, and that is about it. Not sure what I could do with that. Something funny? Something serious? Something dramatic?

I have always preferred getting a writing prompt and taking it from there. I struggle with having ideas of my own. I have also wondered about how to come up with an idea of my own, something true to me and my passions. But my passions dont exist, or at least I haven’t found them yet.

My passions: ancient history, archaeology, paranormal anything, fashion for others, organizing, giving advice, cleaning, homeopathic’s. And that might be it, not sure but I have to go to work now.

2 days

Two days is a long time to wait for something, especially when you know it will all be gone in no time again. I really hate waiting and yet, it will be satisfying for the two days to be up and for things to be finished. The waiting game, what a joke, its no game, its normal for us plebeian lower middle class folk. So much of my time is spent waiting lately.Wait for this, wait for that. When does the waiting stop and the doing begin? Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to experience things in a faster sequence of events or even more frequently.

All I want for Christmas…

We are already talking about what to do for Christmas in my family, mostly whether or not we are going to be trading gifts with each other. Some years we don’t trade gifts and yet mom of course ignores that and always gets me and my brother a little something. This year we decided not to get the parents a gift and to just trade gifts be tween me and my brother. I am not sure if I still want to do this. I think my bro would be okay with it as he is very frugal and not great at giving gifts unless of course he has a female to help him or I tell him specifically. So my big question is what to do? I don’t get gifts for my brothers and sisters in law as they are all well off and are more than capable of buying for themselves, plus I rarely see them and money is tight this year. I have the gifts for the kids, which we manage to deal with every year whether it is a homemade gift (this year) or a gift card (last few years). Like I said we don’t see the kids very often and don’t really know them well enough to not absolutely need a list.

“In Transition”…..

Everyone says, “don’t panic, everything will turn out okay”. I don’t feel pancicked. Should I be? I think after everything that has happened to us over the past few years, I have just come to terms of acceptance over the years. I tried to teach myself to not stress over the things I used to and to let things go. I have become more open to change and not worried about my “stuff” to not be so materialistic. Stuff can be replaced; people and the memories we make are what matters most.

I haven’t been in a panic so far, I lost my job and we moved 150 miles away (back home). We are also staying at my in-laws for the interim.

This will be a trial of love for my hubby and I.

Is so much, to much?

The bigger question is how much? How much can one person handle. How much is too much to handle? One persons edge is another’s starting line. All day long you think this is enough I can’t take anymore and yet. It keeps coming and you keep moving forward. Onward and upward. Keep your head down and your feet moving. Move it or lose it. These are just words and yet they sit as a mantra on the tip of the tongue telling me to move past it and accept it. Life changes but do we change with it or do we absorb the changes. Can we even tell the difference? The difference between the “choices” we make or the choices we accept. Do we accept certain things only because it is easier to not have to decide. Or do we choose to accept the change? Perseverance. Is this a choice or an acceptance of change? What do you think?